I have played many games throughout my life. I say “lives” because I’ve lived many different lives, all of them incredibly peaceful and mostly revolving around playing different games.
Features are what make a game. A lot of people are saying this. If you talk to any game developer and ask them, “What makes a video game?”, they’ll say, “Features.” Go ahead, ask any of them. If they don’t have that answer, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m just spitballing here. Sometimes, I just say things. It’s whatever.
If you don’t have a feature game, what do you have? I don’t know, a movie? But even the movies have special features if you buy the DVD, Blu-Ray or Blu-Ray Ultra HD 4K. Sometimes in these special features, you’ll find games. Funny how life works like that.
Anyway, I have played many games and enjoyed many features of the games. On that note, I’d like to tell you about the features I think all games should strive to include in their experience, based on the games I’ve played over my many, many lifetimes.
I’m not asking much, I’m simply asking for the love of God to check it out.
An ugly boy who is annoying and hated by everyone
Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia
You see this in video games all the time. A small boy who is horrible to look at, usually with a gravelly voice, and always with a lot to say. I think that even though it already exists in many games, every video game should have a horrible little jerk.
I propose this guy. His name is Beremy and he would be the most common character in the game. He’s incredibly rude, always around, will give you advice that doesn’t actually help in any way, and there’s literally no part of the game he’s not in. Also, he has a crush on you.
Press a button to call
Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia
You know how, in Dog’s Life, there’s a button that lets you shit/fart? I think it’s great. However, I think it’s definitely gotten a bit old, and every game that has a shit/fart button would probably be a little isolating for anyone who doesn’t fart or fart.
That said, I think every game should have a Scream button. Why not? There isn’t a game that wouldn’t benefit from having the option to start shouting. Not only would it be a relief in stressful games, but it could also be used to scare things off in a time of desperate need.
Realistic autoplay
Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia
Idle games are all over the autoplay feature and I think it’s very over the top and unrealistic. These autoplay modes always seem to benefit the player and more often than not, they don’t reflect how a player would actually play.
Because of this, I think games with and without an autoplay feature should have realistic autoplay, which automatically plays very poorly. I also think there should be a warning before it that says, “WARNING: This is how we think you would play the game. If this bothers you, maybe you should try the game.”
Inevitable calls to your personal cell phone from the worst character in the game
Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia
Remember how Overwatch 2 wanted people to add their mobile numbers to their accounts? I think this is a great idea, just for the purpose of this feature. I think every game should include inevitable 3 hour phone calls to your real life phone with the worst character in the game (see feature 1).
In this phone call, you must audibly respond to the character with things like “Wow!” and “That’s really insightful!”, and you mean it. The 3 hour phone call will consist of the character talking about a putrid growth that has appeared on his inner thigh, and they will detail all the ‘natural remedies’ they have been using on him that have not worked. You can’t hang up.